No one does their jobs properly anymore. From the lowliest shop assistant to the loftiest high-powered executive, nobody can be bothered to get anything right. Why? Because they’ve all got their faces glued to their mobile phones.
Consider the scenario in the new Vodafone Ultrafast 4G commercial. Two construction workers sit high on scaffolding watching Sky Sports on their phones. Suddenly, there’s a catastrophic malfunction during the building works, and a huge heavy object crashes downwards towards the street.
Meanwhile, these smug, lazy, unprofessional bastards neither know nor care what’s happening. The entire building could tumble down around them and they’d still be happy watching Wayne Rooney on that tiny HD screen. Health and Safety? Forget it. Members of the public? F*ck ’em.
Down in the street, another moron strolls along with his faced glued to a smart phone, and the outside world cut off by a pair of comically large headphones. He’s blissfully unaware that he’s about to walk into a painful and no-doubt bloody collision with a small boy on a mountain bike. The child has wisely taken the precaution of wearing a crash helmet, so he’ll probably come out of it OK, but our head-phoned hero’s likely to be knocked flying, and to crack his stupid skull open on the pavement.
But these folks are portrayed by Vodafone not as irresponsible or ignorant, but as the coolest of the cool – people we should aspire to be. In Vodafone’s blinkered, deluded corporate eyes the guy driving our Piccadilly Line tube train should at the same time be enjoying a re-run of the Arsenal v Chelsea match on his iPad, or maybe placing a bet on the 12.15 at Aintree on his Blackberry.
How about we all just ignore our responsibilities, our customers, and our families and spend all day, every day, watching live, streaming sport on our smart phones?
How many times a day do you encounter someone who is not doing their job properly? Brand new products that don’t work out of the box? Web sites that crash while you’re using them? Slow, insolent, mono-syllabic staff at Call Centres who know less about their company’s products than the customers do.
Every one of these idiots has only one eye on their work, and the other eye on Facebook, while simultaneously viewing their Instagram account and texting their other half to remind them to pick-up some frozen pizza on the way home from work.
In Vodafone’s world global warming will be the least of our problems. No-one on the planet will be doing their job properly. Pilots, surgeons, the fire service, they’ll all have their faces buried in their mobile phones while the rest of us crash, bleed and burn to death.
Add to this horror the fact that by 2030 no-one will actually have any skills at all. GCSE’s will have become so dumbed down they’ll be meaningless and university degrees will have been replaced by massive online courses that a cat could pass with honours.
In short, nobody will be able to do anything, and the entire infrastructure of the planet will collapse. Saddest of all is that people won’t care. They won’t even notice, because they’ll be too engrossed in the latest version of Angry Birds.
“But don’t worry,” Vodafone will assure us, “You can do your job as badly as you like because at the end of the day Yoda from Star Wars will always turn up in the nick of time to cover your arse.”
I hate to tell you this guys, but it’s not true. Yoda is a fictional character, voiced by a Muppet. When you screw up your job through laziness, stupidity and a clinical addition to mobile devices, no-one is going to cover up for you. Instead, people are going to get lousy service, crap merchandise and an overall poorer quality of life. Someone might even get killed, like the poor, innocent pedestrians Yoda steps in to save in the Vodaphone commercial.
Out of interest, do you know why Yoda was chosen for this campaign? It was because the commercials were originally going to refer to the brand as “Yodafone.” By the time the media lawyers worked out that this was not going to be possible from a licensing point of view, the ads had been filmed at great expense. So Vodafone had to go ahead and air them without there being any logical reason for connecting the two brands. And why did that happen? Because someone at an advertising agency didn’t do their job properly. They were watching Sky Sports on their mobile phone.