Britain’s Got Talent 2011 – Review

Britain feels cheated. Having been assured that Britain’s Got Talent was a fix, and that Ronan Parke was absolutely 100% guaranteed to win, we had to witness the humiliating, deflating spectacle of the effeminate 12 year old coming second. The nation now has little choice but to call into question its creeping mistrust of Simon Cowell, while at the same time wondering if old squarehead had actually been forced, by sheer tabloid pressure, to rig it so that little Ronan should lose – thus proving to everyone that the whole thing wasn’t fixed after all.

Confused? So are we. And so was the guy who won – Scottish singer and Midge Ure look-alike Jai McDowall who stared at Simon Cowell as if to say “Has something gone wrong?” Ronan, meanwhile, smiled serinely, knowing deep down that second is the new first. Ask Susan Boyle and JLS.

Today we discover that the police have now abandoned plans to launch an investigation into the blog that claimed BGT was rigged, amid speculation it was actually nothing but a publicity stunt to boost ratings.

Not wishing to get embroiled in all that controversy, my own non-controversial favourite in the final was Stephen Hall – a middle aged office worker wearing a white shirt and a tie, who without a hint of irony, came onto the stage and danced for three minutes like a middle-aged office worker wearing a white shirt and a tie. How very, very British.

Of course, the final wasn’t the same without Tits and Puppy… sorry, Pip and Puppy, cruelly eliminated at the semi-final stage, despite truly ravenous coverage from the UK tabloids. Have you ever seen anything more tear-jerking, heart-rending or awe-inspiring? The sight of a fake-tanned opera-star with a cute singing dog being hoisted into the air by mean of an hydraulic ball gown will, I think stay with me forever. If they don’t both end up in the new Channel 5 series of Celebrity Big Brother I promise I will eat my hat.

Impressionist Les Gibson, hotly fancied for about 10 minutes during the semi-finals, made the huge mistake of trying to do an impression of Simon Cowell, whose reaction during the post act analysis was nothing short of threatening, almost a little nasty. It reminded me of a school bully, or was like watching a court jester being dragged off to the gallows after daring to poke fun at the king during a medieval banquet. Meanwhile Michael McIntyre laughed like a castrated hyena at Gibson’s impression of Michael McIntyre laughing like a castrated hyena.

Britain loves Britain’s Got Talent, and almost as passionately our nation loves to hate Simon Cowell. After all, how could you ever truly love a man who is unable to share a joke about himself.